Eating Disorder Recovery in Lockdown

I have to be completely honest with you. Writing a blog post about how to navigate my way through a pandemic was not at the top of my “to do list” for 2020. Even just typing that sentence…….. There is so much I want to say but where do I even begin? At times my thoughts flood me, it’s suffocating and quite scary and I feel desperate to write and get it all out of me. Yet on other occasions, my mind is vacant; there’s just nothing. This is a genuine struggle right? I mean working out how to cope with a pandemic is a pretty enormous feat all by itself. When you then throw recovering from an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and a child with autism in to the mix, those waters just keep getting muddier and muddier. I don’t know where I’m at. Sitting watching the news, the daily briefings, scrolling through social media etc. It can be so easy to think “Well I shouldn’t make a fuss about my problems. I mean there are thousands of people dying worldwide every single day. So many families distraught and grieving. What I’m going through personally doesn’t even begin to compare.” But then I remind myself, this isn’t a competition. There are no prizes for who suffers the most. And learning how to maintain my eating disorder recovery in lockdown is a challenge and it IS real, for me. It kind of feels like all of the rules have suddenly changed in a game that I’ve been playing (steadily, albeit slowly) for a while. For many eating disorder sufferers out there, I know that this is going to be a seriously frightening situation and that it will take a lot of adjustment.

If you’ve been following my journey here or over on Instagram then you’ll know that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in 2016 after approximately 10 or so years of privately battling on and off. I was discharged from treatment 16 months ago and even though it hasn’t been easy, I’ve definitely been enjoying a happier life of late. It’s taken work. Real work. I’ve had to deconstruct so many rules and regulations and become more flexible and gentler with myself. Yet now, so many lines feel blurred. Even before the lockdown in the UK officially began, I watched people hoarding food and panic buying. All of the alarm bells in my brain started ringing. Would I be able to buy the foods that I’m comfortable with? Would I be able to buy enough food? Would there be too much in the house? Would I binge or engage in other behaviours?

Now I’ve been getting on really well with intuitive eating for a good while. But on the 20th March, just days before the lockdown began, I put myself back on a meal plan. I just knew that I needed something a little more structured to keep me on track. I’m smart enough to recognise that the meal plan is actually an attempt to grasp for some control in a scenario where everything has become uncertain. It seemed to be working initially but after a week or so I caught myself consciously making my portions just that little bit smaller. I dropped a snack because the weather was so warm and I wasn’t feeling as hungry. Did I really need breakfast when I wasn’t being as active? Without me even realising, that judgemental voice had crept back in to my head and it was still feeding me the same old lines. The fact that I’m falling for them all over again scares the shit out of me quite frankly.

But it isn’t just the physical food that I’ve found triggering. The constant talk about food and potential weight gain has felt stifling. And it’s everywhere right? It’s kind of impossible to avoid. It’s on our television screens, our radio stations, our social media channels. People are worried about eating more and gaining weight. About eating purely because they’re bored. About not being able to exercise. What is this parallel universe where all of my secret thoughts and obsessions are being discussed daily and EVERYWHERE? Coronavirus weight gain has even been allocated its own pet name – The Covid 15. There are so many fat and food jokes being tossed around that I often want to throw my phone out of the window. The BBC aired a “science based” (I’m using this term very loosely) TV show “The Restaurant That Burns Off Calories” during the UK lockdown. The programme invited diners to enjoy a three course meal and then another group of fitness fanatics were challenged to burn off every single calorie the diners consumed in a secret gym. I believe the idea was to make people more aware of choosing healthy food options but for me, the underlying message was bold and blatant – we MUST burn off what we eat or we must EARN what we eat. This advice is dangerous and inaccurate at the best of times. But during a global pandemic? Do better BBC. BEAT the UK’s Eating Disorder Charity actually extended their helpline and online chat hours to deal with the aftermath of this show. I’m glad that they did, but seriously, how sad is it that they had to? Is gaining a few pounds whilst in lockdown for a global pandemic really the worst thing that could happen to us? It’s so disappointing that society and the media seems to imply that yes, yes it is!

Each morning I look in the mirror and I scrutinise my body, my appearance. Am I bigger? Softer? More round? Nothing new there really, but I can’t stop thinking that when we are finally free from the shackles of this virus that my family, friends, acquaintances, followers will be looking at me and thinking “she got fat!’ Not, “I’m glad she’s safe” or  “I’m glad she survived.” Just “SHE GOT FAT!” I know that is ridiculous. But it is where my mind sadly takes me. This is what an eating disorder brain does. Attacks you when you’re at your most vulnerable. It’s persistent. It’s calculated. And it’s brutal. It’s hard to shake these concerns off, especially when I’m having less contact with the people who I love or those who keep me grounded. I have less access to my coping mechanisms whilst being in the house. I know being at home keeps me safe, but at the same time how can I be safe when I’m trapped with the thing that wants to kill me?

But this isn’t just about me. I constantly wonder how much harder managing eating disorder recovery in lockdown might be for those who are only just beginning their fight. I hope they know that regardless of what is going on, they are still important and their struggles are valid. As you can tell by reading this post, I don’t have the answers. This is the biggest hurdle I’ve faced in quite some time and I’m still trying to figure out how to get over it unscathed. But I will do it. This situation won’t be forever. But I if I slip in to old habits and succumb to my eating disorder thoughts, I may not claw my way back out. So I’m talking about it. I’m being open about my fears and anxieties. I’m trying to eat as best I can, as often as I can. It’s pretty much just a case of taking this day by day and reminding myself that I can do it and that there are so many amazing things to look forward to. This too shall pass. But for anyone who is scared or alone or just needs to be heard, please get in touch. Your eating disorder wants you to feel isolated, because that’s when it thrives. Don’t give it the satisfaction. Recovery isn’t cancelled. Kindness isn’t cancelled. We can be so much stronger together.

Stay safe my friends and as always, thanks for being here.

Beth Anne xoxo