EDAW19 – Facing Fears In Recovery

When I first began outpatient treatment for my eating disorder, I knew I needed help, obviously. But I don’t think at this point I was really sure that I wanted to get better. The word “Recovery” came with so many expectations and for me, fears. And even when I found myself at my eventual rock bottom, I was still terrified of relinquishing the control that I thought I had. Because getting better meant letting go of everything that I knew, everything I had become. So whilst rock bottom certainly isn’t a cosy or comfortable place to be, it somehow felt safer than the idea of actually facing my eating disorder recovery fears.

So what were my main fears?

• I was afraid that I no longer knew who I was without my disorder. I had lost so much of my identity. Was my eating disorder the most interesting and unique thing about me? And if so, was I still important without it?
• Fear foods. Like many people suffering from an eating disorder I had a HUGE long list of foods that were off limits. Just the thought or suggestion of them would fill me with anxiety, I would sweat, fidget, be searching for an exit. The idea of having to actually sit down and try to eat some of these foods was enough to make me want to run in the opposite direction from recovery.
• How will I deal with my feelings without restricting food? It was the only coping mechanism I had and it worked. What on earth would I do without it?
• I’d start eating and not be able to stop. Would I literally just transition from anorexia to binge eating disorder. Would I become obese?
• If I eat out in cafes or restaurants people will see me and think I’m so greedy.
• People would think I was better and that I no longer needed their support – I still really needed them!
• I will lose my best friend, yes she is a total psycho who wants to kill me but I will still miss her, won’t I?

These were all very genuine fears and from my research I think the majority of them are pretty much standard for those facing recovery. I’m sure to the average person many of them seem irrational. They were/are. You have to remember that when someone has been restricting their intake for a long time, their brain is malnourished and therefore not functioning at full capacity. I had to spend a lot of time in therapy challenging these fears and beliefs, because if I didn’t work on them I was quite frankly never going to get anywhere. Once I started digging a little deeper and we began working on my past, my emotions and my reactions; I realised that food and my body were just the symptom. All of the things I feared would happen weren’t actually facts. They were just what I was choosing to believe. And I did believe it, because I had a monster inside my head that told me each and every day that it was the truth. Of course, it wasn’t. And once my brain started to get healthier I became so much more open to the whole idea of recovery and that I could start facing my eating disorder recovery fears.

So what does recovery ACTUALLY look like?

I won’t lie to you. Recovery is in fact scary. Even though it looks nothing like I had convinced myself it would, it has still been hard. Let’s face it though…..anything new is scary. Change IS scary. But this is what my recovery truly looks like:

• Being able to go to and enjoy social events
• Freedom from having to meticulously study menus before going to a cafe or restaurant
• Being able to sit and enjoy a coffee and/or cake with friends or even alone!
• Doing exercise that I actually enjoy and because I want to, not to punish myself or to combat calories.
• Choosing what I WANT to eat and not what I think is healthiest.
• Spreading as much peanut butter as I want on my toast and/or crumpets
• Ordering dessert
• Saying yes more to situations and scenarios I would’ve avoided
• A better relationship with my body – this one is still very much in the early stages but even at this point it’s a damn sight better than crying every time I looked in the mirror.

Isn’t that list so much nicer than the first? I’m still very aware of the eating disorder voice. That part of me soldiers on and from time to time she crops up. But my recovery has pushed her in to the background. She’s quieter now and I hope that one day she will disappear for good. The only way that will happen though is if I keep working, keep growing. And to do that I have to face my eating disorder recovery fears every single day… no matter what they are, then or now. Because you don’t just get to choose this for a while and magically be better. You have to choose to recover every single day. And maybe this will sound blunt and I don’t mean it to, but is whatever you’re expecting recovery might look like scarier than dying or having this illness for the rest of your life. I can assure you, it isn’t. I’ve come further than I ever expected to by just taking those baby steps and if I can, then I sure as hell no others can too.

If you are struggling with your own recovery or if you are concerned about the behaviours of someone you care about, please contact BEAT UK free of charge and in complete confidence.

Thanks as always, for being here

Beth Anne xoxo