![Mother Clucker…… DERBY WING FEST delivers yet again!!
[PR/Invite]
I had an absolute blast at @wingfestuk at @bustler_derby this weekend. The sun was shinin’ the beats were pumpin’ and the Wings were off the charts, incredible.
Honestly, the Wing vendors came from all over the country and they were not messing around this year. With each stand cooking up a Buffalo Wing and a Wild Wing there were just so many ways to tickle your tastebuds.
For us, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch from @eatpoorboys was just genius and we literally licked our plate because THAT SAUCE 😂 Big shout out too to our pals @the.wing.guys @dirtychickenuk and @eatthebird. We gave your Wild Wings 10s all the way 🤪
Thanks again @wingfestuk for putting on such a great event. We loved the addition of the beer puppets this year 😂 and the Iced Gelato Pops. Congratulations to all of those who received awards. We cannot wait to see what you come up with next year.
Wing Fest is coming to London, Manchester, Birmingham and Bristol THIS SUMMER so be sure to head to their Insta/Website and secure your tickets because this is a party that you do not wanna miss. Might even try to get over to Manchester myself so perhaps I’ll see you there 🙌🏻
#wingfest #wingfestuk #bustlermarket #derbyfood #derbyfoodie #derbyfoodies #wingswingswings #chickenwingsforlife #chickenwings #derbyshirefoodie #nottinghamfoodblogger #eastmidsbloggers #streetfoodfestival
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My son Charlie is 8 years old and is on the autism spectrum. When he was younger you perhaps would have just thought he was a quiet and shy little boy, had you met him. Now……. certainly not the case. Whilst he isn’t necessarily conversationally verbal yet – the kid knows how to make some noise. Ironically, we understand that for many people with autism, loud noises can cause sensory overload, panic attacks, or even meltdowns. So I totally get it when people ask “well why is autism so loud if he doesn’t like too much noise?” 8 years ago I would probably have been asking the same question, so it isn’t ignorant, it’s just that these things aren’t discussed widely enough. And that’s why I write posts like this, to help people to perhaps alter their perceptions, to give you something to think about, to hopefully make the world a kinder and more tolerant place. So let’s discuss the different ways that people with autism use and process sound. Oh and as always, I write purely from our own experiences, the autism spectrum is huge and therefore can be very individual.
Distress related loudness
The world can be a very noisy place. For us neurotypical folk, we’ve become very good at filtering out things that are occurring in the background; the ticking of a clock, the rumbling of a plane overhead, the constant hum of the neighbour mowing his/her lawn. Sometimes, people with autism have an over sensitivity to sound. Everything is coming in at the same volume. Can you actually imagine that? It makes me feel a little panicky just thinking about it. Of course it may not be every noise. It could be that for certain individuals it is one particular frequency that bothers them. Charlie, for example, cannot bear the hoover or the gushing of water from the taps. For him it’s the constant whoooosh (technical term) sound that is an issue. And when I say he can’t bear it, I’m not overreacting. He LITERALLY cannot bear it. This is when we see the coping strategies kick in. It usually starts with hands clamped over the ears or his head tucked to the side so an ear can nestle in to his shoulder. If that doesn’t resolve the situation we get yelling – loud, panic filled yelling. It could be that he’s trying to drown out the noise himself, or it’s that he is alerting us to the fact that this is causing him great discomfort. Maybe you’re thinking “why doesn’t he just leave the room?” Doesn’t help. Because he can still hear it from the other room, no filter remember. The sound has to be stopped or the coping behaviours escalate. It’s as simple as that. For the last four years I’ve been unable to turn the washing machine or shower on during Charlie’s awake hours. It isn’t convenient but it’s what had to be done, so of course we managed. It was a small price to pay in my eyes for him being comfortable. He wasn’t trying to be awkward or to make things difficult. He isn’t a “badly behaved child” as people often assume. He was just trying to take care of himself. That in itself is really quite clever when you think about it. And now, as he gets older, his sensory issues are changing because he is changing. One day I hope that he won’t have any sensory issues at all, but if he does then I think it’s a wonderful thing that he knows how to manage them and how best to keep himself safe.
Happy Loudness
Picture the scene. Charlie and I are in his favourite coffee shop (other public spaces are available). He is familiar with the environment and he feels safe and at home there. There’s probably a singing cartoon on his iPad whilst he hops from seat to seat with a cherry bakewell in his chops. If you actually sit and take the time to watch him, he is a beautiful and interesting little fellow. Yes, he may not be doing things that the average 8 year old is doing but does that give him any less right to be in a place that he enjoys? Charlie’s happy noises can be constant hums or high pitched screeches and giggles. Neither are particularly quiet. But as a mum who once had to witness a child who was silent and lost in his own world, I appreciate each and every little shriek that comes out of that beautiful mouth. Those noises are indications that he is enjoying either the environment, the food or the people he is with. He cannot necessarily express that to you in words, so this is how he goes about it. If you are privy to these “happy sounds” then what an honour for you because Charlie doesn’t open up to just anyone. But of course not every person sitting in that coffee shop will like those noises. Once upon a time I used to worry about what other people thought, the disapproving glances, the judgements about my parenting. I don’t anymore. There are sounds that I don’t personally like to hear when I am out and about. We all know that a baby constantly crying is annoying, but babies cry. If I don’t want to hear it then I should stay at home where there are no babies right? Oh and I work out of a coffee shop every single Thursday so I know that they are NOT quiet places. If you’ve ventured out to enjoy a “quiet” coffee in peace – you’ve come to the wrong place I’m afraid. Perhaps get your coffee to go and find a library or an ACTUAL quiet spot.
“Normal” people don’t apologise for the noises that they make in every day public spaces, which is why I will NEVER ever apologise for the sounds that my son uses to display his contentment in a world that is so often confusing for him. I will say it again for the people in the back. He is not naughty. He has autism and just because he navigates his way differently to you does not mean he has any less right to enjoy the places that you frequent. Yes I sometimes tell him to turn down his iPad or to take it down a notch. But I am never embarrassed by him or who he is. And for the most part, if people are actually paying attention, they can see that he is a happy and loving child. What’s not to like about that? I am very lucky that I have some incredible people in my life who share my way of thinking and love Charlie for all of his quirks. The people who don’t or can’t – well I just feel bad for them in all honesty. Charlie is an incredible, one of a kind human with the purest of hearts. Watching him grow and learn is like witnessing little miracles happening every single day. If you can’t change YOUR inflexible way of thinking or your views on what’s “NORMAL” then as “Mean Girls” so eloquently put it – You can’t sit with us I’m afraid. And that is your loss. We have wasted far too much time on trying to fit in or trying to please others. Now, we are all about living a life that feels good for us.
Have you ever spotted a child or adult out and about who perhaps is behaving “differently” in response to certain stimuli? I’m quite sure we’ve all been guilty of making hasty, knee-jerk judgements without really delving deeper in to why that person may be acting that way. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I believe it’s wrong if we continue to do so. If we can never consider the alternative. Being an autism mama has actually made me so much more of the person I want to be. I see the world so differently now. I am open and empathetic and curious. I have Charlie to thank for that. And as I’ve said in previous autism parenting posts, I will never not answer someone’s question if they want to know more. Knowledge and understanding is key. So instead of staring, tutting or disapproving – why not just ask? If you want to know “why is autism so loud” – ask the question! And if the person you see seems to be in some distress, ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Why not give yourself the opportunity to learn from someone else’s experience. We need more people who want to be on our side – our noisy autism side 🙂
Love, as always
Beth Anne
Thank you so much for sharing, lovely.
I was definitely an immature, less than empathetic coffee shop person in my early 20s, but I lacked the maturity, understanding and empathy of a parent. I wish I had read this when I was 21 and had silent thoughts about the way kids behaved in public when I didn’t have a clue about parenting or autism or bloody anything really!
Thank-you for reading and commenting. I was guilty of it too. But I think it’s great that people want to be more open and change their ways of thinking. x
Dear Beth Anne (or is it just Beth..)
A very formal way to start out, it seems, but the “dear” is supposed to be a hug and should be pronounced or articulated as such. You know, one of the kinds of hugs, you can’t help giving to someone, that does something that touches you profoundly…the kind of hugs that once you give it, you might even tear up a bit, and you don’t like to get emotional in public, but for some reason at that particular moment, it’s all right.
I don’t know if you know this, but as someone autistic, reading autism parents blogs once in a while, one can get quite frustrated – and sometimes even sad on behalf of their beautiful children. I don’t think the intentions aren’t good… it’s the words, the phrasing and sometimes metaphors and jokes, that somehow makes their children and condition objects to promote how they struggle as parents. A love granted the child but not the autism and yet the two are inseperable. And they don’t get it. You can’t eradicate autism (as the agenda seems to be sometimes) and not the child. “But I want my child without the autism”…. So, basically they are telling their children, they are not enough. They are flawed and they should’ve been better or different. Imagine growing up knowing that your parents consider you to be a huge mistake, a flaw, something that should not walk the Earth…
There is a reason why some autism support groups don’t welcome autism parents (unless they themselves have the diagnosis).
And then there are parents like YOU.
Parents, who may struggle, depending on where on the Spectrum the child is, but who takes the time to just look and listen to that little human being. Because we are all saying so much, verbal or nonverbal, it’s “just” a matter of tuning in.
You let yourself be open to autism, inspired by it, learning from it – just like soooo many autistics try to understand and take in and learn from the world that any non-autistic take for granted.
You are not promoting a “them and us” agenda, quite literally in this post you are using the words “us” and “we”.
You know what that means?
He will never feel like he has to pretend or mask to fit in, because his mother has taught and shown him that he is enough. That he is perfect just the way he is.
Or to be precise, if he ever does feel it, it will not be caused by you, but someone else. But that someone else will have to talk their way through the confidence that being enough gives.
It means, you using “us” and “we”, that Charlie will never be alone. He will never have to fend for himself or feel misplaced or unwanted.
It doesn’t mean that being an autism parent can’t be hard. Of course it can. Some struggle more than others because – as you said – the Spectrum is huge. But there are different ways to talk about that, and you always talk about it with respect and the knowledge, that it’s not just a term in a textbook, but actual human beings. I wish it weren’t rare, but unfortunately it seems to be (unless I’m reading all the wrong blogs!).
Charlie is on a different place on the Spectrum than I am. I never grew into a silent world, but rather an imaginary one, but still being verbal. Although I have verbal stims, they seem to be more suttle than Charlies. I have these tongue clicks whenever my head is racing and I’m trying to figure something out. I hum when I’m stressed. And when I’m happy. But different melodies. I occasionally succomb to loud short shrieks when I get really excited (and jump a bit on the spot). Still, you describing Charlie in the coffee shop resonates…like I sort of feel some of that joy. I particulary recognize the joy of something to others seemingly small or something imaginative inside my head playing out. From the doctor diagnosing me I learned that not everybody felt, saw or understood that. And I can’t imagine what that’s like. So from my side of the fence, I do get how hard it can be to reach into each other’s worlds. The point is, that we TRY. And when we do, there WILL be moments and relations where the fingers actually meet, where the hands lock tight.
And it seems like you have managed to do that with Charlie. There is a common ground.
I might be rambling, but it just…. it’s really really beautiful to read about. And I am beyond words so so happy for Charlie that he has you to have his back. I’ve heard so many fellow autistics talk about loneliness, feeling inadequate growing up, alienated – I’m one of them. And maybe that is why this moves me the way it does.
I’m seeing someone not quite like me, but still a bit like me, NOT being alone.
Fuck, I’d hop on furniture too if I weren’t so damn controlled and adjusted!
I could say a thousand words more, but I think I’m reaching the limits as to how much space is accepted to take up in a comment section. I hope my words are clear, though.
This is what hugs are for, the kind of hugs I mentioned in the beginning. When words really don’t cut it on their own.
Thank you for this post ❤️
L
I am truly blown away by this comment. Thank-you so much for taking the time to absorb everything I said and then for writing this.
Whenever I write about autism I truly hope that I am doing it justice. Because although it is my life, I still often feel that I am on the outside of it, not actually living and breathing it like Charlie or yourself. So it’s wonderful to know that this reaches you and that it’s relevant. I will continue writing posts such as these in the hope of touching more lives because I do believe it is so so important, for everyone.
And yes…. I will take that hug friend, any time and always <3
Excellent post. All communication is beautiful and equally valid. Charlie – be loud and proud as you Express your thoughts about the world around you ❤😍
Thank you for this post. It can be difficult as someone not on the spectrum, to recognize sometimes when a child is just being naughty and when there is more there than is necessarily obvious and this is a wonderful reminder that we need to look closely before we judge, and honestly, even if they’re just “being naughty”, maybe not judge that either!
I only know one child with autism. I don’t know him well but was taking care of him once and when he got overwhelmed by the goings on, he threw himself into my arms (almost knocked me over, lol). I don’t think I was ever so moved in my life- he considered me a safe place even though he barely knew me. I still tear up thinking about it.
I also appreciate your willingness to answer questions. There are times I’d like to ask because I genuinely want to understand but am so afraid of offending that I never do. Offering to help comes easier but asking doesn’t. That’s part of what makes posts like yours so valuable, you answer for those of us who aren’t exposed to autism on a daily basis, but who genuinely want to understand. Thank you.
If you are taking your kid into a public place with that kind of attitude of “idgaf what anyone thinks” don’t be mad when you are asked to leave. Had some kid shrieking and wailing loudly, was ruining the atmosphere of my coffee shop. Lady wanted to raise a stink about it but you know what? A coffee shop isn’t a damn madhouse and its a place for everyone to enjoy, and if you’re gonna come in and make everyone uncomfortable you’re gonna get the boot.
Fuck your entitlement attitude and fuck your article. Get some social awareness.
Thank-you for being exactly the type of person that I’m talking about. And as you just said, coffee shops and public places are for EVERYONE, that means even for people who may be different from you. You don’t get to make the rules because you can’t accept that someone’s brain is wired differently to yours. So don’t come to my blog and my post and talk about entitlement. Oh and just for your information, nobody has ever asked us to leave, anywhere, because not everyone is a total judgemental asshole. Have a great day.
Terry, when you say ‘my coffee shop’ I wonder whether you mean a coffee shop that you frequent, or your own business.
Either way, I struggle to believe that anyone could ‘ruin the atmosphere’ of any space with you in it. I imagine that would be like trying to find a large enough fermented egg to worsen the odour of an overflowing septic tank.
Your sour, miserable, joyless being tells me you haven’t had enough cuddles which is sad, as is the fact you’re unlikely to acquire any judging by your wretched, utterly repellent attitude.
From me and the rest of the world.. go and dunk your lonely head in your shitty little coffee Terry
Terry if you could let me know where your coffee shop is so I can share on my social media to avoid it as you obviously don’t welcome children. Unfortunately the children should be seen and not heard motto is no longer current. I feel bad for any future children/grandchildren you may have that you wouldn’t embrace their diversities. Do let me know anyway about your coffee shop. I’d hate for any of us to come in and ruin your antiquated ideology.
Terry, you sir are the epitome of what is known as a “cockwomble”.
I am assuming you own the coffee shop you referred to and as one of the other individuals said, Please share the establishments name and location so that I can ensure you are wholly free from customers in future.
You don’t even have the courage to use your real name, just hide behind a cartoon figure. Who hurt you that badly that you cannot be nice?
Terry, you are the reason why I dislike many adults. I really hope you don’t have children and if you do, I hope they learn their values from anyone but you😔
Thank you so much for posting this. I’ve been recently been told my 4 year old son has autism and I’m so lost and upset and angry…. Trying to make sense of things. the happy noise you spoke about is just like my son. I get worried he’s too loud or that he will spoil other people’s day.