One step forward……

Wouldn’t it just be fabulous if the road to eating disorder recovery, or in fact any mental health problem, was straight, short and safe? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could see it laid out clearly before us, no twists, no turns?  Sadly for most people, that really isn’t the case at all.

The past two to three weeks have quite possibly been my bumpiest section of road for a while.  Perhaps I got too complacent?  I felt like I was doing really well, I came off my anti depressants/anxiety meds and my weight remained stable for 6 weeks.  I was thinking to myself “I have got this beat – finally!”  And then just like that, something happened and once again it felt like my world had turned upside down.

And of course, as soon as it senses some vulnerability, the eating disorder voice is back and it’s hella loud……….”I know how to make this all better.”

BOOM….. just like Alice down the rabbit hole I was tumbling; with no idea where the bottom was and even less of an idea of how to get back up to the top.  This is all metaphorical of course, in more literal terms:

• I bought scales (I gave my scales away almost 18 months ago and haven’t had any since)
• I weighed myself daily (sometimes several times a day)
• Instead of reaching out, I isolated myself from my usual support network; telling myself that I was a burden on them.  Perhaps this would be the time that they were fed up with me for losing my way
• I restricted my intake dramatically
• I lost half a stone in a matter of days.

It’s safe to say that I am not proud of any of those things. In fact, I am in all honesty, quite embarrassed. But it’s the truth and I swore to be completely honest about my journey and I can’t/won’t deviate from that. (More writing about my ED can be found in this earlier post)  Everyone I have reached out to who considers themselves “recovered” from their eating disorder has told me that these types of relapse happen often and usually without warning.  They are a natural part of the recovery journey and I shouldn’t even necessarily consider them a bad thing.

But I started to wonder how I was going to turn things around this time and it scared me.  There were certainly a couple of days where I told myself “I cannot do this, it is just too hard.”  But deep down, I’m stubborn and I don’t want this to beat me.  I want to be healthy and happy for my little boy, for myself, for my future and for all of the wonderful photography job opportunities that come my way.  I want to inspire other people who may not be living the easiest of lives, to go after their dreams and know that all things are possible.  So I get up….. and I keep trying.  I took down the particular mirrors that upset me, (I did actually do this)I delved back in to meal plans and I focused on how much I love my work.  The truth is, nobody is actually counting how many times I stumble, only me, nobody else; and it’s important to remember that.

Yesterday I actually had a real moment of clarity and I realised that I am so much more than this body – I have so much to offer and none of it really has anything to do with how I look.  Tying in quite perfectly with this, I also received a lovely message on my Instagram account from a Body Image Ambassador who felt that I may benefit from watching a documentary called “Embrace.”  So far I have only seen the trailer  (I am still trying to find a genuine UK source where it can be viewed – stay tuned for an update) but as soon as I heard “My body is not an ornament, it’s a vehicle,”  I cried.

It’s so true.  This body, with whom I’ve waged war is actually quite incredible and it permits me to do so many wonderful things.  I can’t help but feel sad when I think how I have repaid it for every pleasure it has allowed me. But instead of feeling guilty, I will try to show myself the kindness and love I bestow upon those I care most about.  Perhaps that is the answer.  After all, I am a kindness advocate – and yet I’ve denied myself the one thing I feel I embody by the bucketload.  But not anymore.  This is the time and I think I finally feel ready.

Oh and if anyone needs some bathroom scales, I have a set – free to a good home….. or smash the shit out of em if you prefer!

Beth Anne xoxo