So much more than gaining lbs – EDAW2018

There’s no denying that I want my blog to be pretty – of course I do, I slaved away for hours to get it to look the way it does (and I do mean slaved, I may know my way around a camera but I am a complete website technophobe.)  And I want the photos on it to be pretty too.  Pretty postcards of the adventures I have been on. Pretty, pretty, pretty!  We seeing a pattern here?

But I don’t want to totally ignore the parts of my life that have NOT been so pretty.  I think it’s irresponsible to portray an existence of only “perfect pictures” because nobody lives like that, regardless of what they may want you to believe.  So aesthetics aside for a moment, I want this blog to be honest, and I also hope that in sharing my experiences here,  there may be someone out there reading who feels less alone, or feels that they too can make a change.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week here in the UK.  It’s a big week and it receives a lot of attention in the media which is great of course; and this year the focus is on improving wait times for referrals and treatment.  I’m not going to talk about that today.  I’m going to talk about something specific to me and probably also to anyone else who is in that limbo land between “recovery” and “recovered.” I have been in treatment for my eating disorder since November 2016.  In that time I’ve made huge, monumentous strides, so big in fact that when my therapist or dietician quotes me from my initial appointments I don’t even recognise the girl speaking, I don’t even remember saying those words.

I spent my first few weeks in therapy feeling like I was having an out of body experience, and half the time I really was, my brain not nourished enough to allow my body to perform basic, daily tasks.  I felt a little bit like a ghost, floating around in this sad, cold, lonely state.  Unreachable, silenced, sort of existing in between worlds but accepting of that.  The sad reality is that I quite enjoyed the somewhat euphoric feeling of emptiness. I didn’t need what everyone else needed and there was power in that.  I’m only mentioning this because I think it really highlights the fact that eating disorders are indeed mental issues.  I cannot stress that enough!! It isn’t about just being thin or wanting to be thin, in fact that’s such a small part of it.  But I digress…….Those early days of treatment were scary, for me and also for the people who care about me, which I suppose makes my current position all the more applaudable.  But it hasn’t been easy to get from there to here.  I’ve worked incredibly hard, even on the days/weeks when it looks like perhaps I haven’t.  I’ve dealt with two fairly significant relapses.  I’ve wanted to give up so many times and retreat in to the comforting, familiar arms of a disorder thats main focus was basically to kill me; because to me that felt easier than getting better – crazy right? But I haven’t given up.  I have pushed on and actually I have managed to achieve some pretty incredible things over this past year. My business has grown tremendously for one, this blog was born, I’ve made travelling a new priority and have been to some amazing places. I’ve eaten some of the best food out there with the best people and here I am; weight restored….. so where does that leave me now?

I feel like where I’m currently at is one of the hardest parts of my recovery journey.  Because I am sitting here writing this at a technically “healthy weight.”  I eat, for the most part, like a normal person.  I love my food – don’t be fooled in to thinking people with eating disorders don’t like food.  I no longer have significant anxiety attacks before or after meals out, I’m just starting to get back in to exercise.  People regularly tell me how much better I’m looking or how healthy I look now.  This is all good right?  It is…. but it’s once again only really focusing on what’s happening outside, what’s visible on the surface.  My body is healing – I say healing still because I’ve regrettably done some absolutely terrible things to it and I still have a lot of digestive issues, blood issues etc to work through.  But we’re getting there.  Nobody seems to look at me and feel sorry for me or assume that I’m sad anymore because I look like I’m better.  Wonderful. My brain on the other hand….. not always doing so good.  I guess this is the part that’s going to take the extra time because my brain is the mastermind of either my continued recovery or my downfall.  I need her on board so I’m still working extremely hard on that part.

I guess what I’m trying to say (and finding it difficult to sum up) is that this is still very much a work in progress.  I am actually very close to being discharged from treatment altogether but I know my work won’t end there.  I have no idea what kind of aftercare I will receive, if any.  It may just be little old me out there on my own and I’m not going to lie to you, the thought of that is terrifying.  I’m afraid of messing up, of falling back down the rabbit hole.  But in complete honesty I am also afraid of who I am without this illness.  It has become such a huge part of my life, my being. I’m scared of what’s left of me once it’s “all gone,” if it ever is.  All that I do know for sure is that I have an amazing support network. People who have been there for me throughout this whole messy process.  Those who have loved me still at my lowest point and have let me talk when I want to, cry when I need to, or simply left me alone when I’ve asked for solitude.  So whilst I may be uncertain in my own ability I’m never doubtful of the people I’ve chosen as my cheerleaders on this journey.  I wish I could make them understand how truly grateful I am for them.  I hope deep down they know.

So in this post the photos are the finale.  I have specifically only chosen photos of what I’ve gained during my recovery – and I don’t mean lbs – I mean life. Glasses of wine, cocktails, pizza – I have literally gained life!!

Beth Anne xox