When it’s just little old you

So it’s close to being one whole month since I was discharged from eating disorder services….(If you’re new to the blog… feel free to catch up here). In many ways it feels like no time has passed at all, yet sometimes it feels like my final appointment was eons ago. So what’s it like being in Eating Disorder Recovery when it’s just little old you…..?

For the most part, I reckon I’m doing a damn good job. In fact, it really hasn’t been anywhere near as scary doing this alone as I anticipated it might be. I think right off the bat however, it’s so important to make one point VERY clear. I am not cured. I am not better. I am not “RECOVERED.”

I wish it worked that way. I wish a magic wand had been waved and all of a sudden I could freely eat whatever the hell I wanted, because contrary to popular belief about anorexia, I like food A LOT. I wish I could look in the mirror and just feel ok, not even happy; just “ok” would be fine. I wish I didn’t have panic attacks – about numbers on scales, numbers on packaging, about feeling full, feeling empty…. you get the drift. But this isn’t a fairytale. This isn’t a story book and I’m very aware that those things may never happen for me. And that for right now, and maybe for the rest of my life, I just have to keep choosing “recovery” every single day and focus simply on one step at a time. Often I find this to actually be the scariest part of the entire journey. Having to do this, to try so hard EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! Sometimes it feels fine. other times, manageable and then every now and again it feels impossible and I’m swallowed up by the vastness of how long “forever” is. On those days I am frightened and I would prefer to stay in bed and hide away from the responsibility of saving my life. But no-one else is coming. There is no prince charming charging in. No Fairy Godmother. It really is up to little old me.

But anxiety and fears aside…. Let’s get back to talking about the positive things that have happened over the last 30ish days:

1. I’ve seriously eaten some god damn delicious food. Like not even kidding. This Burger and Brownie at Annie’s is one perfect example. I’ve really, really tried to push myself out of my comfort zone with food. I’ve tried things I never would have normally gone for. I’ve not been put off by huge portion sizes which again was a big stumbling block for me. I’ve basically just ordered or cooked whatever I have felt like. On one occasion that was just dessert – I had crumble for my dinner –  talk about BADASS!!
2. I’ve talked when I’ve needed to talk. So much of an eating disorder is about keeping secrets. But now, thanks to therapy, I know that if I’m having a bad day, or feeling a certain emotion, that talking it out with someone who cares about me is massively productive. I am so very lucky to have a handful of people who I can count on. Who are always at the end of the phone to just listen, or give advice when it’s needed. My Eating Disorder recovery journey has made me very aware of who the people in my corner are and I’m actually loving that now I get to be more open with them.
3. I have weaned off my anti anxiety meds and my anti depressants. I wasn’t planning on doing this so soon and I hadn’t even made it a goal for myself. But I just woke up one morning and decided that because I was having a new start in so many areas of my life, maybe it made sense to draw a line under the medication too. And that’s what I’ve done and fingers crossed, so far all is ok. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some very emotional days, some crying fits that came out of nowhere and inevitably some anxiety. But I’m so proud of the fact that I’ve been using all of the tools I worked on with my therapist for dealing with the trickier and tougher moments.

But this wouldn’t be a very real post if I didn’t speak about the downsides of eating disorder recovery when it’s just little old you:

1. I’ve engaged in several eating disorder behaviours – my main go-to being restricting. On the days that I’ve found especially tough this month, be it a significant date, my emotional response to a stimulus or just when I’ve felt crappy, I’ve most definitely cut down on my intake. It’s my thing. And the most dangerous part about this I suppose, is that I find it incredibly easy to do. I don’t feel hungry when I’m in this mindset. In fact I don’t feel anything and that’s actually what I’m seeking. The numbness. I’m disappointed in myself when I think about this but then I remember that once upon a time, not so long ago, I was doing this EVERY day! And now, it’s just been three or four times and I’ve managed to snap myself out of it relatively quickly. That puts it all in to perspective a little more I think. It’s a work in progress.
2. I’ve weighed myself. Urrrrrrgh those fucking scales. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t ever have scales in my house. Isn’t that desperately sad? I mean throughout treatment I got rid of mine, I gave them away actually. Then I bought another pair and also got rid of those. At my treatment facility I had a mixture of blind weigh-ins and weigh-ins where I was given my weight, but all of this was controlled for me and I just abided by the rules. On being discharged my therapist and I agreed on a weekly weigh-in at home, same day each week, same time, same clothes (or lack of). It’s obviously very important to keep all the variables the same to actually get realistic results. So what do I do? Weigh myself on different days, multiple times a day, different outfits, before food, after food, before bed, in the early hours of the morning – even just writing this makes me want to slap myself. It’s so counter productive and each time it has made me feel like shit. So I’m going to try so hard to stick to my weigh-in day and time.
3. I’ve experienced some real digestive discomfort. This is not re-feeding syndrome as I have been weight restored for some time now. My doctors believe that it is just my digestive system trying to repair and to also keep up with my continued progress. It’s been really hard dealing with this. There have been times when I’ve been in so much pain that I literally haven’t been able to do anything for hours and hours. And I’ve asked myself “Is this worth it?” I know that it is, but I have to remind myself of this regularly and just hope that it’s something that will get better with time. It’s so sad because I did this. I hurt me. And even though perhaps it wasn’t so obvious on the outside, the damage I have done internally is scary. I owe it to me to get better. My body obviously just needs me to be patient with it for now.

So yeah….. what a shit show!! This certainly isn’t a walk in the park by any means. But I’m a month down,I’m doing this and I’m going to keep doing it. I can’t express how grateful I am for every bit of support I receive along the way. I’ve been so touched by the beautiful messages I’ve received on my Instagram and here on the blog from people I have never even met. It may sound silly because I’ve already mentioned that I have a brilliant support network around me, but each message helps me feel just a little less alone in this. So Thank-you.

Here’s to the next 30 days of kicking some ED ass!!

Beth Anne xoxo

If you or someone you know is struggling with an Eating Disorder you can contact the lovely people at BEAT anonymously for help and advice. You are never alone in this.